June 22, 2018

A normal person who writes weird shit.

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There is something I wrote about myself on this blog back in 2015 that I later realized was probably not true. Or at least that I later regretted. I wrote:

A few minutes ago I posted this quote from an interview with Jackie Wang:
"Perversion is probably more important to me than “orientation.” I’m certainly not a purist when it comes to identity but I do want “queer” to retain its freakish and non-normative edge, and for people to back their aesthetic commitments by embodying that commitment in how they lives their lives. Normal people who write weird shit disappoint me hahahaha."

I posted it because I suddenly felt it was about me. I am a ‘normal’ person who writes weird shit. But I’m not sure anyone who knows me would really say I’m normal. I’ve spent most of my life trying to be anything but normal. I certainly feel extremely queer positive and feel a deep love for queer art and politics. Maybe already I’ve gotten a bit lost.

I have come back to this in my mind so many times over the past few years. A moment when I thought I was normal followed by a moment in which I thought that I definitely was not.

Here are some of the ways I've come to think I'm not especially normal: I don't have a car, I don't ride a bike, I didn't have an apartment for ten years (but now I do), now that I have an apartment I for some reason spend most of my time avoiding it, I often say I don't have friends (though, for a man of my age, that might be more normal than I want to admit), other people often say I know everyone, I don't have a television, don't watch television and don't watch movies, I'm an autodidact, I'm not in a relationship and suspect now that I most likely never will be (though never say never), to the best of my knowledge I've never been on a date, one of the few things I'm really certain about in life is that I don't want to have children (I also wrote a book trying to convince others not to have children), I've never been to a wedding or a funeral, I don't have any interests, or really do anything, outside of making and experiencing art in some larger sense (in fact, in terms of experiencing it, mainly just literature and music), I do have some interest in politics but the ways in which I understand it most often have to do with the relationship between politics and art, depression runs my life but I work very hard to not have depression be what I'm about publicly or, for that matter, what I'm about in general, I spend much of my time wandering aimlessly. I'm not sure what to say about perversion, if in this sense perversion mainly means sexual perversion, perhaps my only perversion is an over-enjoyment of cuddling. But none of these things really have anything to do with what I'm talking about when I feel I'm not so normal. It more has to do with a way of being in the world. I feel I have a different way of being in the world than most people I know. I wonder what it might mean to describe this way of being as perverse.

None of these things are particularly queer but neither would I say they're particularly normal. I suppose I might say I was an eccentric, but I also feel that I'm not that eccentric, and in general don't feel any need to put myself into any of these categories. (Maybe simply neurotic would be closer to the truth.) What I am amazed by is that for one moment in 2015 I wrote that I was normal. I suppose all I meant by it was that I was straight and cis, which is true as far as it goes, and yet I'm always happy when anyone thinks of me as queer, perhaps because I have also always thought straight art was far less interesting than queer art, if these categories still have any clear meaning. More and more, I now feel all such things might be taken on a case by case basis. Of course, also, I don't feel particularly qualified to write about queerness. There are so many others who have far more interesting things to say about the topic than I do.

Not sure if I'm going anywhere with all this but since I wrote that I was normal back in 2015 it has continued to bother me, and I've always wanted to write another post to at least partially refute it. But now that I've written this new post, it seems that the new post bothers me as well, that I protest too much. Maybe I'll delete it soon. Maybe I already said everything that needed to be said on the topic when I wrote in my original post: "I’ve spent most of my life trying to be anything but normal." And who actually cares whether I'm normal or not. With everything currently happening in the world it also feels wrong and, yes, perverse to write so much about myself. And all of this might only mean that, once again, I'm more normal that I'm willing to admit.



[P.S. As a tangential ending: I always thought my final Tangentially yours was by far my most interesting contribution to the series. In it, I wrote about Kristin Ross, May '68 and François Maspero’s bookstore La Joie de Lire. I some day hope to go a little bit further down the road of those reflections.]

[Also, even more importantly, everyone should read Jackie Wang's new book Carceral Capitalism.]



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